Regret
by Cliodna
Summary: Hermione broods over past mistakes.


Disclaimer: I own nothing!

A/N: This has nothing to do with The Longest Day! So please, no tomato throwing. 

v **Regret**

Regret. Regret is something that I live with everyday. It is with me when I sleep, with me when I wake up. Regret permeates my soul to the point where I sometimes wish to sell it so that I don't have to carry this burden around with me any longer. 

But it is my fault. It is my fault that I carry it. I wish I could take it back. 

People tell me that I'm smart. People say that I was the smartest witch to ever traipse the Hogwarts grounds.  People say I could have been much more than I am…

But I choose this. I chose this life, and it has been the greatest mistake of my life.

I think back to that night, when I was lying warm and safe in his arms. It was our last night at Hogwarts in our 7th year, and he had just defeated Voldemort a few hours earlier. I was happy then, content at being in his arms, joyful that he was safe, in love with him with every fiber of my being. 

How I regret that night. 

We were in my room, on my bed, my naked leg atop his, his arm across my breasts. We were both too happy to go to sleep.

How I regret that night. 

_"I'm tired of hiding Hermione."_

I closed my eyes and sighed. I knew this was coming, I knew sooner or later he would be. I was getting tired of it as well. But he knew that we couldn't. WE JUST COULDN'T!

I should have known that we could. 

"Harry, you know very well that we can't…" 

He got up then, and started putting all his clothes back on. 

_"Why the hell not Hermione? We've been doing this for the past two years. We have to tell them. We have to tell **him**."  _

People say I'm smart. Why then, did I act so stupid? 

"Harry, you know I can't. You know I can't tell him that I've been cheating on him for the past two years with his best friend! You know I…"

I started crying then. He just looked at me with his green eyes, eyes that made me feel warm all over, eyes that provided comfort and security, love, passionate, intense. 

I never knew those beautiful green eyes could take on such a cold expression. 

"If you don't tell him, then this is it Hermione. I can't do this anymore. He is my best friend; I don't want to do this anymore. Make your choice Hermione, him or me." 

He looked into my eyes and I knew he saw my choice. I've never seen him look so crushed. 

I knew I would never forget the look in his eyes. 

I never did. 

I could justify my choice all I want. I could say that it was what everyone expected of us. I could say that I loved Ron half as much as I did Harry…

But I would only be lying to myself. 

The truth is that I was young and a coward. 

You see I've always had control. Control was something I prided myself on. I never panic. Not even when the love of my life, under the guise of my best friend, went off to fight the most notorious wizard since Grindewald, alone, did I panic.

I've always had complete control over my emotions, over my actions, complete and utter control of myself. 

But then **he** came along, and he turned everything upside down. 

I had the perfect life, the perfect boyfriend. I had it all mapped out. We would date, then get out of school, wait a while, marry, have kids, all the while having a successful career. Then he would marry my husband's sister and we would all be one big happy Weasley family. It was expected. It was proper. It was what was supposed to happen. I had control over my fate and the outcome of my life. 

But then one day he came to me, and I realized that that was all there ever was. Him. He was my life. I could never love anyone else the way I loved him. I could never live my life caring or loving anyone else besides him. He had complete and utter control over me, my feelings, my actions, my life.  

This scared me. Total abandon of myself to another individual frightened the hell out of me. And he just had to be Harry Potter, my best friend. I happened to be dating his other best friend. 

I was scared. 

The Hat was right when it wanted to put me in Ravenclaw. Gryffindor is for the brave at heart. Then again Ravenclaw is for the smart ones, which quite frankly I don't think I ever was… 

I wish I could change the past. Back in third year I did, and I did so with Harry. 

How ironic. 

So here I am, everyday brooding over a mistake I made 10 years ago. 

I should have told him. I should have told him how much I loved his best friend.

Maybe then I would have been worthy of my house.

Maybe then I could have done something with my life, rather than stay home and keep house for my husband and child.  

Who knew Ron wanted to marry his mother? 

I sometimes visit my mother in London, and I cry with her. I tell her everything. She knows how Ron can be possessive, how I'm never allowed to think for myself, how he expects me to be just like his mother, staying home, cooking and cleaning, and taking care of our child.

I never told her about **him** though. That is something that I have locked up in the reservoirs of my heart. I wonder if he's told anyone…

Sometimes I feel like running back to him. I wonder if he still loves me. I wonder if he stays up at night and thinks about me the way I do him. I don't think he realizes how much I loved him. How much I love him still. Maybe I should tell him. 

But all thought of truth is lost when I see him with her. I don't think he sees me watching him, but I do. 

I see him pick up his raven head son and walk up to her. He puts a hand on her swollen belly and kisses her forehead tenderly. 

Another child. He'll have another child. This time it will be a girl, and she'll have flaming red hair just like her mother. 

I can't suppress the tears that cloud my eyes.

But I have to. I have to because my red headed daughter is tugging my skirt and trying to tell me something. I have to be strong for her. 

She is the one thing I don't regret about the past 10 years. 

Then again, I've always loved emerald green eyes, emerald green eyes just like hers.  

*****

A/N: I might do a Harry's POV like this, it all depends on the reviews. 


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